But perpetuating negative or ineffective sexual behavior is bad for everyone involved. We don’t want to criticize our partners’ performance in bed, for fear of hurting their feelings or making them not like us. Sexual egos are fragile, probably especially in men, who are expected to be sexually competent.
While Amy’s story is funny and relatable, I also recognized a fault in her sexual conduct that I, too, am guilty of: She wasn’t happy with the sex she was having, but she didn’t do anything to change it. but I need to pretend like I like it, because I want you to stop, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.’ I just figured that when people talk about guys going down on girls, that it’s just more of a courtesy thing, and not actually enjoyable.” She goes on to talk about meeting the magical guy who blew her mind, made her cum in record time, and proved her theory wrong. I was like, ‘This is always just going to be meh. She says, “I thought good oral sex was a myth. One of my favorite videos from the Desire Project-an evolving online documentary where women share stories about desire-is of a girl named Amy talking about how she used to hate receiving oral sex. Google “bad blow job” and you’ll find endless tales from men about women botching the job. It wasn't pretty, nor was it my proudest BJ moment. I once made the mistake of eating a kale salad twenty minutes before deep throating. And for the record, it is possible to give a bad blow job.
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Not to mention that BJs often result in a mouthful of bodily fluids-that's way more intense than anything cunnilingus has to offer, even if the girl goes full bush. “Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.” Well said. Samantha once famously broke it down for a lover in Sex and the City: the teeth placement, jaw stress, suction, gag reflex, head bobbing, moaning, and breathing through the nose. Men seem to think that blow jobs are easy-that you just suck and try to keep your teeth out of the way. My female partners have been unanimously more giving and considerate, and certainly more likely to give me head. As someone who also sleeps with women, I feel I have a good counterpoint. And honestly, many of my hook-ups with men have felt driven by that singular goal. As a result, in the real world, many girls and guys think that the aim of sex is to get the man off. But the fact is, almost all mainstream porn is made by men, for men, and it shows-the aim of the scenes is always to get the man off. Some guys are very generous and adept in the oral department, and some porn does emphasize pleasure for the woman. Which means that, often, real-life sex doesn’t include head for the woman, either. Well, porn imitates life imitates porn, as they say. Rarely in this scenario does the guy reciprocate oral sex. Heterosexual porn scenes usually go something like this: Girl gets naked girl shows off her body for a while girl gives guy a blow job girl and guy have intercourse the end. It’s now widely discussed that, due to a lack of sex ed in school, young people are learning about sex from porn. Oral sex isn’t rocket science, so why, if you’re a straight girl, is head so often either terrible or nonexistent? All that spitting and sucking and vagina slapping: What is going on there? To my knowledge, I don’t have an abnormally sensitive vagina, but if someone slaps it, or slurps at it like it’s a trough, any subsequent screaming will be out of pain, not pleasure. Not to mention that when you meet the rare guy who’s up for going down, he’s often remarkably bad at it.
I recently met a guy who, while flirting with me at a party, said, “Just so you know, I’m the kind of guy who cares about making a girl cum.” He then stared at me in anticipation, as if waiting for me to faint, or for celebratory balloons to fall from the ceiling. I half expect them to say “You’re welcome” afterward. And how else does one get what one wants out of sex than by talking about it? So I’ll go first: I don’t understand why so many men act like, by giving head, they’re doing you a favor. But I find that it’s next to impossible to talk about sex without getting specific. I realize that I’m being, shall we say, candid.